Feelings Are Why We Do This

You hear it, but you can't think too much about it: "This is strictly pleasure. No feelings."

We do not do this as a perfect game-theoretic exercise. There is no calculated symmetry of rationality and risks and costs versus reward, no numerical result we can shop around to competitors and find the best deal.

We dance this dance because of the way it makes us feel.

I haven't figured out where I fall on the romantic spectrum. The current best theory is that I'm demiromantic — someone who can fall in love, but only under certain relational conditions.

I am okay with casual or timeboxed partners falling in love with me.

When someone hands you their heart on a silver platter, all you can do is treasure it, celebrate it, treat it with kindness. The care that everyone's hearts should have always received to start with. The only difference is that one day you have to hand it back to them.

The day that happens, yeah, there'll be longing and sorrow. That is, and always was, part of the plan. Longing and sorrow are infinitely (bitter)sweeter memories to hold in your mind than regret and resentment. And for this type of relationship, we shake on it right at the start: this has an end date. But so does everything. We just like to pretend a lot of things don't.

If we think about it, the default is "go until we hate each other" which actually seems kind of like a bad plan. I still do that style too, but there's something special about a deep connection which is mutually frozen in a state of perfection forever.

This way, we get perfect vertical slices of each others' best qualities, and the memories we hold remain fond — forever. We hold lightly in our hearts and minds the very best of ourselves, without getting close enough that the seams show. And then it's time for the next partner.

We're all human, and this is a part of the human experience.

Checkin

Version: 1

Written: 2026-01-21

Written on: 7.5mg olanzapine since 2025-11-11

Mental health was: poor - estimate 25% brain